Careful, this is a long one...

On Sunday night, B and I went to go see 'After the Quake' at the Berkeley Repertory Theater. We haven't been to a play in ages. Musicals and operas, yes. A straight ass play, no. Almost embarrassing to say, but I haven't seen a play since Cal Poly days. We can't even call ourselves thespians anymore. I should tear up my card now! Anyway, the play was good, and I did indeed take some favorite characters to heart.

I'm gettin' down and dirty now on my thesis. The compositional part is done, but the analysis part is left. I have absolutely no motivation to do this portion. Deep down, I believe that I hate it because I have to admit that I don't have a master plan when it comes to composing. I am going through my piece and wondering, "what's that chord?" and, "why did I do that?" and, "damn, answer me, fool! why did you do that?!"

I have composed this piece almost entirely by ear. Aya! WTF? Now I wonder how the heck I'm supposed to prevent this earthquake from happening. This, my friends, is how much of a newbie I am. I admit it. I give in.

A while back, a professor asked us what our technique was. I was silently thinking, "what technique? wtf?" I can blab away about piano technique, but this fresh-ass composition student didn't know where to start. I got nervous, but then thought, "Well, this is a discussion, right? I can learn something here."

My turn was up, so I just blurted the first thing that came to me, (which is the first thing that happens when I'm composing), "A motive comes into my head, and then I run with it. I think about form later. I guess I don't really have a set form of technique."

SILENCE.....oh crap, yup, I'm an idiot. Okay, point and laugh at the stupid newbie. Finally, after a long pause and shaking of the head, "Wow," followed by more shaking of the head and a condescending tone, "You need to learn a lot."

Needless to say, I left angry. I thought, no fucking shit, Sherlock. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. Give me something that I can use. It also didn't help that another student said just about the same thing earlier, but he received a normal response. For some weird reason, I had to step up my game even more than he did. But, I also realize now that my lack of confidence in even my newbie technique killed that whole discussion.

Now, my lack of confidence in theory and technique together, is killing my motivation to analyze my piece. Although I am very, very, very bad at verbalizing music theory, I can figure it out and write it down like a bad-ass. Plus, I love the last movement of my piece (because that's a piece of bad-ass too), so I have something to look forward to. I guess I should just believe in that, and start with that piece of motivation. aaaaahhh... feel better now.

Sometimes, I see the music world as just one big guys club. Only sausage and beans allowed here, folks. As a result, I have to not only work harder, but create something even better to feel as equals. It's funny, even in the corporate world, I never had a feeling that my gender kept me down. It wasn't until I went back to school and into this industry that I see the very dark, black lines. It's not just music, it's in many other art related fields as well. How funny.... artists are supposed to be revolutionary, but their traditions are so conservative. Inexcusable.